Broken

19.

I’d forgotten this picture existed on the internet until someone commented on it the other day and the notification came across my screen. When the image opened up, I took a very deep breath and exhaled a long, slow breath. I didn’t recognize the young woman in that picture. Or I should say, it’s been decades since I’ve seen her. Since I’ve been her. And I immediately thought about what I would tell her if I could go back in time.

Ironically, I took this headshot in hopes of landing more acting jobs, not realizing I was already putting on a show for everyone on the outside looking in.

I sat at my desk in silence for a few minutes, staring at the empty eyes that belonged to my 19 year-old self all of those years ago. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a mother now with daughters or what, but I immediately wanted to swoop her up and hug her. Hold her and let her know, “this, too, shall pass. Life becomes beautiful again. I promise.”

I wanted to gently hold her face in my hands, look right into her eyes, and say:

You’re worth so much more than what you are currently accepting. Every excuse you continue to make is only paving the road for him to continue to walk all over you. 

You weren’t created to be someone’s door mat. 

What you allow “just once” will become routine. Stick to your boundaries. They’re called boundaries and not starting off points for a reason.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.” 

You’ll experience real love one day. Right now, this is a facade. 

Care less about what it looks like on the outside; how everyone comments on what they think perfection looks like. Care more about how you’re watching your light dim on the inside. Pay attention to how dangerously close you are getting to that light going out altogether. You’re a shell of yourself right now. You deserve to be living in your fullness.

Pain. Apology. Love bomb. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Once you stop accepting the cycle, you’ll start the journey of healing. 

Ironically, healing will be painful… at first. But once you heal, my goodness Baby Girl, you won’t even recognize the woman waiting for you on the other side! The wholeness you arrive at after the Creator has put you back together piece by piece? 😮‍💨 You are going to wish you would have surrendered sooner and allowed Him into the mess earlier. 

In the beginning you’re going to trade one pain for another. However one was meant to keep you bound, the other is so you can truly be free. The Lord is going to take your hand and slowly pull you towards the deep end, illuminating all of the darkness you’ve just been through as you wade further and further in. Not to harm you, but to take the scales off of your eyes and expose everything to you. All of it. So for the first time, you can truly see everything for what it was… and NEVER come close to letting any of it happen again. 

He’ll be gentle. And kind. And only ask you to take another step closer to Him, another step further into the deep, when you’re ready. He’s a gentleman.

You’ll keep taking one more step closer towards Him until there’s nothing left underneath your own two feet to stand on, so you have no other choice but to cling to Him and allow Him to keep you afloat. The way it should be. The way it always should have been.

And when you reach that place, you’re not going to recognize the woman you’ve become, but soon you’ll realize this is just the beginning.

Life becomes sweeter again. Beautiful in fact. You’ll be put back together. Whole. Something that only the mighty hands of Jesus could do.

Healed feels a whole lot better than Hurt. Don’t ever forget that.

And when you’re not looking, your best friend will become your boyfriend. And in true God fashion, the man you modeled your “Dream Man” list after won’t be a copy – you’ll get to marry the original. And God will use him to bring 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 to full life for you. In technicolor! Because you were healed and whole before you started dating him, the old baggage from the previous person was left at the airport. It will not get carried onto this new flight. This flight is new, and healthier, and the plane only keeps climbing after take off.  Holding your hand through any turbulence that may arise. Not causing it.

You’re stronger than you know. The life you have waiting for you is worth the fight it’s going to take to get out. I promise.

You are loved. You are valued. You are worth every breath and the extra mile.

And you know that now. 💛