Guest Blog Post By: Sharde’ Carrington
Motherhood has taught me that I can pivot whenever I’d like to and as often as I need to. I have three children, with a large age gap between the first two and a very small age gap between the second two. I have become a new version of myself with the birth of each of them, even having had the last two in rapid succession. As we all grow and move through different phases of childhood, I still continue to evolve and reinvent myself.
I was only eighteen years-old when I had my first baby. Despite all the hubris that often comes with youth, I knew I was in over my head. I read every book I could get my hands on about babies, parenting, and the new journey I was undertaking. I felt like this was something I could study for and do “right,” much like the college courses I was taking. Aware of the perception of being a teenaged mother, I worked full time and went to school while pregnant and the first several years of my son’s life. I was on a mission to defy every stereotype and give my son a great life. I cared so much about what people thought of me then.
I wouldn’t have another child until I was thirty years-old. A lot of life happens in twelve years, but some patterns and habits stick with you. I worked throughout my entire pregnancy again, and spent hours combing the internet learning current information about all things baby. Then I gave birth to a baby girl and everything in me shifted. I no longer wanted to prove that I could rock a career and motherhood. I just wanted to spend my days caring for this tiny person and my then pre-teen son. I wanted nothing more but endless time with my kids.
They warn you that exclusively breastfeeding isn’t reliable as birth control, but I didn’t heed the warning. So a year and eleven days after having my daughter, another daughter joined us. She is the one that completely catapulted my journey into healing, growing, and thriving. I can’t exactly quantify why things were different this time. What makes the most sense is that she is the one I just had to trust my instincts with, on everything.
Having just had a baby, I didn’t do all the research. There wasn’t any outside interference, just me and my own values and decisions. By the time all three kids were born, I was a stay-at-home mom. And for several different reasons, I was miserable.
On the outside, my life looked like a good one. It was not. I had the life I’d believed I wanted, but the version of me who had chosen that life no longer existed. I’d been raised believing that security trumped dysfunction, but could no longer live that way. And I couldn’t normalize that for my children. So, without any support I separated from my partner. My children and I thrived.
I’ve made a couple of other big pivots in the few years since. My children are my biggest teachers. They are all so different and special. They require me to be resilient and open. What am I teaching them if I stay stuck, if I don’t chase my dreams, if I capitulate to the ways of the world instead of living the life I’m called to live? In meeting my children where they are, I keep meeting new versions of myself. God has kept us all through every hard thing and moment of redirection, and I am blessed for them to bear witness to His heart for us too.
MAMMA ARIANNA 