This song has been on repeat in my mind for weeks now. I think it’s because the words resonate so deeply with me.
I grew up in an environment that focused more on the judgment of God rather than His extravagant love for me. I had this image of God in my mind of Him sitting upon a throne in Heaven with a scowling look on His face waiting for me to screw up so He could punish me. Almost like He delighted in it.
“When I was your foe, still Your love fought for me.”
For the most part, I was a good kid, but when I messed up, I so desperately tried to hide the crappy things that I did for fear that this time, God would get me. (As if He didn’t already know what I’d done.) Each time that [I thought] He’d spared me, I was SO thankful, and in some weird way, even in my fear of Him, the notion that He “spared” me, revealed His tender side to me. It was this peculiar relationship that I had with Him.
“You have been so, so kind to me…”
In 8th grade, I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t want to live anymore. Some of my “friends” had decided that I was their foe overnight at a sleepover. I could have probably, eventually, gotten over it if they had contained their fickleness to themselves, but they decided to invite the boys at our school to join them in making fun of my acne-ridden face and oily skin. Day in and day out became too much for me to bear, and I had decided that death offered me more peace than life did at that current point in my life.
“ When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me…”
By His amazing grace, He prompted my sister to call me in the middle of me making preparations to depart from this life to enter in to the next. I couldn’t lie to her, so her simple, “What are you doing?” prompted me to tell her exactly. She made me promise not to do anything until she got to my house, so I waited. That day, we sat on the floor of my room for hours while I cried, and she convinced me to live.
“There’s no lie You won’t tear down coming after me…”
Coincidently, that Summer, I got to meet Jesus at a summer camp up in the mountains. For the first time in my entire life, I got to see Him for who He really was. A father who so lavishly loved me that He couldn’t contain Himself. In fact, He didn’t. (See: Jesus)
“ I couldn’t earn it. I don’t deserve it. Still You give yourself away.”
I got to personally, tangibly feel the depth of His love for me, and my legs could not hold up under the weight of it all. I remember falling to my knees and sobbing uncontrollably as I digested this new reality. God didn’t hate me. He wasn’t mad at me. He was madly in love with me! It was as if I had been living behind these invisible bars for my entire life, and at that very moment – the moment my soul connected with His love – He’d kicked the door of my prison cell down and said, “You’re free.” His love was quite literally changing my identity as I sobbed on the floor of that summer camp chapel.
“ Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. It chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the 99…”
And ever since that Summer night after my 8th grade year, He has been continuously reminding me of how much He loves me. It’s as if He never wants me to forget it. When I actually stop the chaos of my day and revel in the truth that little ol’ me is loved by a big, big God, I often start tearing up. I think back to that summer camp night 21 years ago when I first had a head on collision with His extravagant, reckless love, and I tear up. I think about some of my worst moments; the ones that make me wince with embarrassment, and how even in those, He still extravagantly loves me, and I tear up. I think about the value that He places on my head, even in the moments when I feel worthless, and I sob. Because He. Really. Does. Love. Me. It’s all too much to take in some times.
“Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me
You have been so, so good to me
Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
O, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
O, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
O, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
O, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God”
MAMMA ARIANNA 