Can we talk? Like really talk? Like, go-grab-your-coffee-and-get-cozy-because-things-are-about-to-get-real kind of talk? Cool. I knew you were my people.
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine in which she shared that she and her husband have been going through a rough time in their marriage. She shared her heart as I listened with ears of empathy and familiarity, and when times were appropriate, I would offer solidarity with an, “I know what you mean.” After about the third or fourth time of my offering, she said, “But you and [your husband] have such a great marriage. He is such a great partner, and you guys are always so together on things.” My husband is a great partner, and – for the most part – we do tend to stride together on things. But what she didn’t know is that about 3 months ago, we went through a pretty rough patch of our own, and for the first time in our marriage, our future wasn’t so clear.
When I shared that omission with her, she was shocked and replied, “I know we don’t get to talk everyday, but from the looks of things, you guys seem so happy.” “From the looks of things”? Her statement was an echo of the current culture we live in, and catapulted us in to a conversation about The Ultimate Highlight Reel: social media.
After hanging up with my dear friend, I thought long and hard about our conversation for a few days afterwards. How was it that, without talking as often as we’d like, one of my best friends knew about some of the good things that were happening in my life, but had no idea about the bit of turbulence that Gabe and I had recently flown through? How was it that I knew a good majority of what was happening with her kiddos’ school stuff and fun outings, but I wasn’t aware of the bumps in the road that she and her husband had been hitting?
I sat with these thoughts for a while and replayed bits and pieces of the previous days’ conversation, and I finally landed on the answer: The Highlight Reel. If you’re not familiar with sports, let me help you out a bit. A highlight reel is a collaboration of a player’s best plays and performances while playing his/ her sport. Thanks to my husband’s fond affection for ESPN, I have also learned that many of the night time sports shows are comprised of the top plays of the day, or highlight reels from the day, if you will. In this case, though, it is not one’s best plays flashed across a television screen that I am talking about, it’s our best Bests splashed across our timelines and feeds that has got me to thinking.
Social media has given us the unique opportunity to be inundated with other people’s lives just by simply clicking “follow”. It’s kind of allowed us to be Peeping Toms without going to jail for it. With just one click, we’re able to see every one else’s cute kids doing cute things, lovely couples looking so in love, people’s delicious meals that make our mouths salivate, and become aware that our friends are hanging out without us. All of those things in and of themselves are quite wonderful, but when we start weaving in the thread of comparison, those innocent things mentioned above start becoming lies that we begin to allow our minds to entertain.
When my kids have been fighting for half of the day and acting like my directives are mere options they can choose to obey or not, if I’m not careful, it’s easy for me to look at the picture of a friend’s adorable kids braiding each other’s hair and start wondering where I am going wrong in my parenting. When my husband and I are arguing for the one millionth time about who should do the dishes, it can be easy for me to scroll on by someone’s doting post about their husband’s triumphs and wonder how they keep it all together. When I’m feeling lonely and a bit out of place, and a picture of some of my friends hanging out together pops up, if I’m not careful, it’s easy for me to feel left out and forget that it is neither possible nor realistic for ALL of us to hang out together ALL of the time. Comparison invites me to feel all of these things while viewing other people’s posts through the lens of Insufficient and mistakenly naming it Reality.
Have you ever thought about why we don’t post the not-so-great things that we are going through? Like, it’s not very often that I see posts of the aftermath of a baby’s lunch coming back up after he’s been hit by a stomach bug, or a post of a couple mid argument ready to bite each others head’s off. Why do you think that is? Frankly, I really don’t want to see posts like that on my feed. I like the ‘gram being a happy place for the most part. But I wonder if we don’t post our misfortunes as much as we post our triumphs because we are living the sucky parts of our lives in 3D, in real time, and A) we don’t necessarily need any reminders of them memorialized on the inter webs forever, and B) we want to keep up the facade that everything is really alright. Really. All of the time. Every day.
By constantly viewing other people’s highlight reels, we forget that we’re not the only ones who don’t have it all together all of the time. That just like us, there are tons of other people having crappy days, going through financial woes, and trying to figure out how to survive in the world at times. They just choose not to post about it all of the time for possible reasons mentioned above, and others.
So SisterFriend, BrotherFriend, can we move to a place where we remember that we are staring at the highlight reel, and we all have spots and blemishes that we’d prefer for others not to see? Real people with real things going on. I don’t have it all together, but the great news is that neither do you! [insert air five here] Let’s shake off the cloak of Comparison, and double tap with freedom knowing that the pictures we see aren’t the gold standard for life, but are just that – pictures.
Social media is great for connecting with people far away or maybe high school friends, but let’s not forget to connect more often beyond our screens and in to real life with real flesh and blood. It is in those moments of shared time and shared stories that we are reminded that we are neither alone in our struggles or in our triumphs. And hey, maybe when we gather together in real life, we can try one of those delicious meals we just double-tapped on our screens. 😉
MAMMA ARIANNA 